Emotional needs

When we’re very young, we don’t just have emotions — we learn what they mean.

A child feels things intensely before they can understand them. Fear, shame, sadness, helplessness arrive first; interpretation comes later. That interpretation is shaped by the adults around them.

When a child is upset, told off, or overwhelmed, what matters isn’t just the feeling — it’s whether someone helps them keep it in context.
You’ve made a mistake, but you’re still okay.
This feeling makes sense, and it will pass.

If that doesn’t happen, the feeling can harden into a conclusion:
Something is wrong with me.
I’m bad.
I’m on my own.

This is emotional learning. And once learned, it tends to repeat.

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How unmet emotional needs show up in adult life

Children adapt. If emotional understanding isn’t available, they cope in other ways — often becoming self-reliant, emotionally contained, or highly attuned to others.

These adaptations can work well for years. Until they don’t.

You might recognise some of these patterns:

• Feeling emotionally flat, numb, or disconnected

• Struggling to identify or express feelings

• Being very capable, but quietly lonely

• Finding it hard to rest or switch off

• Perfectionism or pressure to do things well

• A sense that something is missing, even when life looks fine

• Strong self-criticism or guilt about having needs

Many people only notice these patterns later — often during burnout, relationship difficulties, or periods of low mood.

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Common emotional learning themes

People tend to carry emotional learning in a few familiar areas:

• Safety – Am I safe or on edge?

• Worth – Am I okay as I am, or fundamentally flawed?

• Needs – Do my needs matter, or are they a problem?

• Connection – Will others be there, or do I manage alone?

• Responsibility – Am I responsible for everything and everyone?

These aren’t conscious beliefs. They’re emotional conclusions learned early and replayed later.

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How therapy helps

Therapy offers a way to revisit emotional learning — not by reliving the past, but by updating it.

With support, old emotional conclusions can be put back into context.
The feeling may still arise, but it no longer has to mean something is wrong with me.

In therapy, we might work on:

• Developing emotional awareness at a safe, manageable pace

• Understanding long-standing patterns and adaptations

• Reducing self-criticism and over-responsibility

• Learning to recognise and respond to your own needs

• Feeling more connected — to yourself and to others

This work can be reflective or structured, depending on what feels right for you.

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Is this relevant for you?

You don’t need to be certain.
Many people come to therapy simply knowing they feel disconnected, tired of coping, or unsure why life doesn’t feel fulfilling.

If parts of this resonate, therapy may help you make sense of your experience with more clarity and compassion.

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Some people prefer a more structured, time-limited approach.
I also offer a focused 20-session therapy programme for people who want clarity, direction, and momentum.
→ Learn more about 20-session focused therapy