Why compassionate people can lose sight of their own needs Some people spend much of their lives thinking about other people. They notice when someone is struggling. They imagine what that person might be feeling, why they behave as they do, and what could make life easier for them. They may revisit events from years ago, thinking about how difficult those experiences must have been for someone else. They feel compassion, responsibility and a strong desire to help. These can

Why ADHD can mean periods of achievement followed by exhaustion, flatness and disconnection—and why a diagnosis later in life can change how we understand ourselves. Why ADHD can be hard to recognise in yourself It can be very hard to recognise yourself as somebody with ADHD, even when you suspect you might have it. We encounter ourselves in a thousand discrete situations with other people. We’re doing something too fast, not being detailed enough, looking at the wrong thing,

You notice your partner has gone quiet. A friend seems disappointed. You say no to something, and the other person looks unhappy. Almost immediately, you start wondering what you’ve done. Should you apologise? Explain yourself? Change your plans? Perhaps you keep checking until you’re sure everything is okay. You may know, reasonably, that you haven’t done anything wrong. Yet the guilt is there, asking you to do something about it. Why does someone else’s mood feel like my re

Many of the clients I work with have ADHD, dyslexia or autism. Some have more than one, and many describe a difficult time at school—a time that has left an impression on how they feel about themselves. For some people with ADHD, the lasting feeling is: I’m always messing up. I keep getting things wrong. For some people with dyslexia, there is a deep frustration: I’m trying so hard. Why do I still feel as though I’m failing? For some autistic people, school meant feeling that

Why separating from a parent can be one of the most painful and misunderstood experiences of adult life. There is a particular kind of loneliness that can come with becoming estranged from a parent. It isn't simply the loneliness of no longer having that person in your life. Often, it is the loneliness of having spent much of your life wanting a relationship that never quite existed in the way you needed it to. For some people, the decision to separate from a parent comes aft

Understanding emotional withdrawal, conflict and the need to disconnect Have you ever been in the middle of an argument and suddenly found yourself unable to speak? Perhaps your partner wants to talk about something important, but the more they try to explain how they feel, the less able you are to respond. Your mind goes blank. You struggle to find the words. You might feel irritated, exhausted or just desperate for the conversation to end. From the outside, it can look as t

ADHD in women is often missed because it does not always look like obvious hyperactivity. For many women, the experience is more confusing: feeling flat and unable to get going, then suddenly intensely engaged; being exhausted but unable to rest; finding ordinary admin strangely difficult while managing complicated things perfectly well; feeling overwhelmed by people and wanting to disappear for a while. Some women only begin to recognise ADHD much later in life, often after

Dyslexia is usually described in terms of reading, spelling, processing speed or written information. But for many adults, that is only part of the story. The more lasting impact can be emotional. Years of being slower at certain tasks, getting things wrong in front of other people, struggling with things that appear easy for everyone else, or feeling different without quite understanding why can create a powerful fear of failure. Some people respond by withdrawing. Others re

Some adults with ADHD do not recognise themselves in the idea of being constantly hyperactive. Their experience can look almost opposite. There may be periods of feeling flat, depleted, under-engaged or unable to get started. Then something changes. A task becomes interesting. A deadline appears. A conversation sparks something. Suddenly there is energy, enthusiasm, ideas and momentum. The confusing part is often not simply having “too much energy.” It can be the difficulty r

For some people, therapy is relatively straightforward. There is one clear problem, one clear treatment, and a focused piece of work. For others, things are more layered. They may understand themselves intellectually, but still carry old emotional reactions, harsh beliefs about themselves, and ways of coping that developed long before they knew they had a choice. In those situations, it can make sense to use different therapies at different stages of the same journey. 1. Sche

Some people arrive in therapy without really knowing why they feel or behave as they do. Others arrive knowing a great deal. They may have read about attachment, trauma, people-pleasing, perfectionism, boundaries, childhood experiences and relationship patterns. They may be extremely psychologically minded and able to explain exactly where a pattern came from. And yet they still find themselves doing it. They still say yes when they want to say no. They still become responsib

One of the most confusing experiences for many neurodivergent adults is knowing that they are capable while repeatedly finding ordinary parts of life much harder than they seem to be for other people. This can be particularly striking for people with ADHD, dyslexia, or both. Someone may be intelligent, creative, perceptive and very competent in some areas, yet struggle with reading, written work, organisation, deadlines, sustained attention or managing frustration. Over time,

If it feels as though suddenly everyone is talking about ADHD, you are not imagining it. ADHD is far more visible than it used to be. People are talking about it online, adults are seeking assessments, and increasing numbers of women are recognising themselves in descriptions that they may never have encountered when they were younger. That can understandably lead to the question: does everyone have ADHD now? The more useful question may be: how many people were previously be

Sometimes a breakup causes far more distress than the relationship itself seems to justify. You may have known the person wasn’t right for you. You may not even have felt especially close to them. Perhaps you sensed rejection approaching and ended the relationship first. Yet afterwards, instead of relief, you experienced panic, despair, obsessive thinking, or a terrifying sense of being completely alone. This can feel confusing and even humiliating if the relationship was not

You can be very good at coping and still feel emotionally disconnected or unsure what you actually feel. You might be the person other people rely on. You solve problems, keep going, organise things and rarely fall apart in front of anyone. From the outside, you may look confident and independent. Inside, things can feel quite different. You may: analyse everything struggle to switch off or relax feel responsible for other people find it difficult to ask for help feel that yo

I watched a short documentary recently called John Was Trying to Contact Aliens, which you can watch on Netflix. John Shepherd spent around thirty years doing exactly that. From his grandparents’ home in rural Michigan, he built an increasingly elaborate collection of receivers, transmitters, aerials, screens and dials and sent radio signals millions of miles into space. And, rather wonderfully, he sent music. Jazz. Afrobeat. Reggae. Experimental music. If somebody was out th

The impact of a narcissistic mother in adult life Many people begin searching for information about a “narcissistic mother” long after childhood has ended. They may be in their forties, fifties or sixties before they begin to question a relationship they have spent a lifetime trying to manage. Perhaps contact with your mother leaves you feeling guilty, diminished or strangely unsure of yourself. You may prepare carefully before speaking to her, monitor her mood while you are

Understanding masking, burnout, relationships and emotional patterns through a neuro-affirming, Schema Therapy-informed approach Some women reach therapy after years of working very hard to make life work. They may have become highly capable, highly accommodating, highly self-aware or highly responsible. They may also feel tired, overloaded or unsure why things that once seemed manageable now require so much effort. Sometimes this is the point at which ADHD or autistic traits

An Attachment-Based, Object Relations and Schema-Informed Perspective Have you ever noticed that your mind rarely seems to rest? Perhaps you find yourself constantly analysing conversations after they've happened. You notice tiny changes in someone's facial expression. You replay emails before sending them. You wonder whether someone is annoyed with you because they used fewer words than usual. You struggle to fully relax, even when life is objectively going well. You often f

A trauma-informed, attachment-based formulation of relational hypervigilance and abandonment anxiety Relational hypervigilance is a pattern in which someone continually monitors other people for signs of withdrawal, rejection, disapproval or abandonment. A delayed message, a quieter tone, a distracted expression or a change in routine can trigger intense uncertainty. The person may appear unusually perceptive. They may notice subtle changes that others miss. But this attentio