Five common patterns rooted in early adaptation People come to therapy for different reasons — burnout, anxiety, relationship difficulties, emotional flatness, or a vague sense that something isn’t right. But often, the same early patterns sit underneath. Below are some common ways those patterns show up in adult life. These aren’t labels or diagnoses. They’re recognisable adaptations — ways a system once learned to stay safe, connected, or valued. You may recognise yourself

A trauma-informed, attachment-based formulation of over-caring and self-sacrifice Conceptual Summary (for psychologically minded readers) Some people organise their sense of safety around caring for others. This is not altruism or people-pleasing, but a trauma-based attachment strategy that develops when early emotional care was unreliable or absent. Compulsive caregiving reflects an inverted attachment pattern, a missing internal experience of being cared for, and the adopti

Why some people give too much — and can’t stop: Some people don’t just care about others — they organise their entire being around caring. They step in automatically, take responsibility without being asked, and ask for nothing in return, even though it costs them deeply. This isn’t just generosity or altruism. It’s a survival pattern. How compulsive caring develops When a child grows up emotionally neglected — unseen, unsupported, or left to manage alone — they don’t simply

Not in a vague or philosophical way —but in a “why do I keep doing that?”  way. Why you react so strongly in certain moments and not others. Why you step in, rescue, withdraw, comply, overthink, harden, please, or disappear — often without choosing to. Why you can feel warm and generous in one situation, then oddly detached or self-focused in another. And why other people seem wired so differently. Some people bend. Some people push. Some people feel everything. Some people f

Many of the people I work with come to therapy having already tried other approaches. Some have had counselling — and for many, it has been genuinely helpful. They’ve felt listened to. Their experiences have been validated. They’ve had someone walk alongside them during difficult periods of their life. That kind of therapeutic relationship matters. It can be deeply containing and meaningful. And yet, a familiar sentence often appears quietly in the room: “I understand myself

I recently saw a post claiming that chronic stress is the biggest determinant of lifespan. Like most viral health messages, it wasn’t wrong — but it also wasn’t quite telling the truth. Because when we talk about stress , we often imagine busy diaries, poor sleep, long hours, or too much caffeine. What we talk about far less is the quiet, background stress of living without enough emotional connection. The kind that doesn’t spike and settle.The kind that hums. Many people I m

Over time, she began to notice a pattern. During stressful periods, she’d withdraw emotionally. She became quieter, more inward, less playful. The parts of her that were curious, light, and spontaneous slowly faded into the background. Not because she was depressed — but because staying emotionally open felt effortful. She didn’t describe herself as stressed. She was functioning. Responsible. Capable. But her body carried a constant sense of tension, as though it never quite

Many of the people I work with are high-functioning adults who appear to be doing well on the outside. They perform strongly at work. They’re capable, reliable, often successful in demanding roles. Others may see them as coping well — even thriving. Yet they come to therapy because something has shifted. Often this shows up as burnout, though not always as simple exhaustion. Instead, people describe a more subtle, internal change: feeling less emotionally connected to the peo

If you’ve ever found yourself longing for someone who sends mixed signals, pulls close then withdraws, or gives you intense connection followed by silence, you’re not alone — and you’re not weak. Two forces are working together: 1. Childhood emotional neglect 2. The dopamine–intermittent reinforcement cycle Together, they create a powerful emotional and neurological pull that can feel almost impossible to break. This is not a character flaw. It’s a pattern rooted in your earl

Signs of Childhood Emotional Neglect in Adults Many adults make it well into their 30s, 40s, or even later before realising their anxiety, shame, or relationship struggles connect back to something subtle that happened in childhood — or more accurately, something that didn’t happen. Childhood Emotional Neglect (CEN) isn’t about dramatic events. It’s about the quiet absence of emotional responsiveness, understanding, or support. Nothing explosive. Nothing “obvious.” And that’s

Many adults come to therapy saying: “I don’t know what I feel.” “I’m just… fine.” “I disconnect without meaning to.” “I struggle to find the words.” This isn’t apathy or a lack of depth. It’s a form of emotional disconnection , often shaped by childhood experiences or chronic stress. Understanding Emotional Disconnection Emotional disconnection can be confusing. It often feels like a fog that prevents you from understanding your feelings. This disconnection is not a sign of w

You tell yourself you’re fine. You’re strong, understanding, patient. You don’t ask for much.But deep down, there’s that quiet ache — the sense that something’s missing, that you’re always giving more than you receive. You try to be reasonable, to not ask for too much. You tell yourself your partner’s just stressed, tired, not great at talking about emotions. You make excuses because you love them  — and because part of you still believes that if you’re kind enough, patient e

When You’re the One Everyone Relies On — But You’re Running on Empty From the outside, you look like you’re doing great. You show up, get things done, stay calm under pressure. People trust you. They depend on you. But lately, it’s taking more out of you than anyone realises. You wake up already tense, your mind racing with to-do lists before you’ve even left bed. You’re exhausted but wired, too used to holding it all together to know how to stop. You tell yourself, “I should

Feeling stuck or lacking the drive to pursue your goals can be frustrating. Motivation is the fuel that powers our actions, but sometimes it runs low. Fortunately, there are effective ways to reignite that inner fire. One powerful approach gaining attention is hypnotherapy. This technique taps into the subconscious mind to help overcome mental blocks and boost motivation naturally. Understanding Motivation Through Hypnotherapy Hypnotherapy is a therapeutic method that uses gu

(How Therapy Helps When You’ve Been Coping Alone for a Long Time) People are often curious about what actually happens in the therapy room. Many of the people who come to work with me have been circling the idea of therapy for a long time. They’ve read the books, listened to the podcasts, followed thoughtful voices online. Some work in healthcare or support roles themselves. They are insightful, reflective, and self-aware — and yet, there is something they haven’t quite been

Some people grow up learning that they can cope with almost anything. They find a way through, they manage, they hold things together. Other people see them as strong, capable, steady. And in many ways, they are. They get on with things. They don’t tend to ask for help. They’ve been doing that for a very long time. Often the people I work with reach a point — usually in mid-life — where this way of coping begins to feel heavier. The body and the emotional life start to ask fo

Many people, when they were little, were in some way left a bit to the side  in their family of origin.They were given what they needed in practical ways — meals, schooling, clothing — but something in the emotional life of the family  didn’t quite include them. A sense of being there, but not quite met .A little invisible , somehow. Often these are people with kind temperaments , who are naturally able to understand others and respond to them.And as part of their survival sy

Patterns of Emotional Disconnection: Finding the Compass Back to Yourself Some people grow up without much nurturance. Nurturance is a basic childhood psychological need. To develop into healthy adults, children need to be nurtured. This is part of the healthy attachment system. If the side of a child that longs to be soothed isn’t looked after, they can grow into adults who don’t know what nurturance is. They may not understand what it feels like or even that this missing p

Coping is part of being human. As children, we learn ways of getting through difficult circumstances, often without realising we’re doing...

Many people struggle with a deep fear of abandonment — the worry that a partner or loved one might leave, withdraw, or forget them. Often, it shows up as anxiety, jealousy, or suspicion, even when the relationship itself seems stable. If you recognise yourself in this, you’re not alone. As a therapist, I often meet people who describe anxiety but don’t yet realise that abandonment fears are underneath. They might say they feel anxious when their partner goes out for the eveni