Sometimes a breakup causes far more distress than the relationship itself seems to justify. You may have known the person wasn’t right for you. You may not even have felt especially close to them. Perhaps you sensed rejection approaching and ended the relationship first. Yet afterwards, instead of relief, you experienced panic, despair, obsessive thinking, or a terrifying sense of being completely alone. This can feel confusing and even humiliating if the relationship was not

You can be very good at coping and still feel emotionally disconnected or unsure what you actually feel. You might be the person other people rely on. You solve problems, keep going, organise things and rarely fall apart in front of anyone. From the outside, you may look confident and independent. Inside, things can feel quite different. You may: analyse everything struggle to switch off or relax feel responsible for other people find it difficult to ask for help feel that yo

I watched a short documentary recently called John Was Trying to Contact Aliens, which you can watch on Netflix. John Shepherd spent around thirty years doing exactly that. From his grandparents’ home in rural Michigan, he built an increasingly elaborate collection of receivers, transmitters, aerials, screens and dials and sent radio signals millions of miles into space. And, rather wonderfully, he sent music. Jazz. Afrobeat. Reggae. Experimental music. If somebody was out th

The impact of a narcissistic mother in adult life Many people begin searching for information about a “narcissistic mother” long after childhood has ended. They may be in their forties, fifties or sixties before they begin to question a relationship they have spent a lifetime trying to manage. Perhaps contact with your mother leaves you feeling guilty, diminished or strangely unsure of yourself. You may prepare carefully before speaking to her, monitor her mood while you are

Understanding masking, burnout, relationships and emotional patterns through a neuro-affirming, Schema Therapy-informed approach Some women reach therapy after years of working very hard to make life work. They may have become highly capable, highly accommodating, highly self-aware or highly responsible. They may also feel tired, overloaded or unsure why things that once seemed manageable now require so much effort. Sometimes this is the point at which ADHD or autistic traits

An attachment-based, object relations and schema-informed formulation of chronic vigilance and the search for safety. Have you ever noticed that your mind rarely seems to rest? Perhaps you find yourself constantly analysing conversations after they've happened. You notice tiny changes in someone's facial expression. You replay emails before sending them. You wonder whether someone is annoyed with you because they used fewer words than usual. You struggle to fully relax, even

A trauma-informed, attachment-based formulation of relational hypervigilance and abandonment anxiety Relational hypervigilance is a pattern in which someone continually monitors other people for signs of withdrawal, rejection, disapproval or abandonment. A delayed message, a quieter tone, a distracted expression or a change in routine can trigger intense uncertainty. The person may appear unusually perceptive. They may notice subtle changes that others miss. But this attentio

A trauma-informed, attachment-based formulation of compulsive performance, perfectionism and conditional self-worth Compulsive performance is a pattern in which someone relies on achievement, competence or productivity to maintain their sense of worth, safety or belonging. The person may be capable, driven and highly successful. But underneath the performance sits a more fragile psychological arrangement: “I am acceptable while I am doing well.” Achievement does not simply br

A trauma-informed, attachment-based formulation of pleasing, appeasement and self-erasure Compulsive pleasing is a pattern in which someone feels responsible for maintaining other people’s comfort, approval or emotional stability, often at the expense of their own preferences, boundaries and emotional truth. It can develop when connection in childhood depended on being agreeable, undemanding, emotionally manageable or especially attentive to the needs of others. Conceptual Su

Why do I pull away from people? Pulling away from people often isn’t about not caring. It’s a pattern where connection is wanted, but at a certain point begins to feel difficult to stay in. The pull toward disappearing She cancelled forty minutes before she was due to leave. She’d been looking forward to it earlier in the week. But somewhere around six o’clock, the thought of getting there, being present, being responsive for two hours, began to feel heavier than expected. Sh

What is emotional numbness? Emotional numbness is a reduced ability to feel — not just difficult emotions, but positive ones too. People often describe it as being present in their life, but slightly removed from it. Things happen, and they respond, but the feeling doesn’t fully land. When feeling nothing feels safer The promotion came through and he felt nothing. He read the email again. Forwarded it to his wife. Said the right things when she rang — yes, brilliant, yes, the

What is the vigilance pattern? The vigilance pattern is a way your system stays alert to what might go wrong — even when things are fine. It often gets mistaken for anxiety, but for many people it feels more like awareness, perception, or being switched on. Always watching for what might go wrong She could read a room before she’d crossed the threshold. She’d always been this way — noticing the quality of silence, the way someone held their shoulders, whether something had sh

Why Do I People Please and Struggle to Say No? She said yes before she’d decided whether she wanted to. The smile came quickly, and only later — driving away, irritated in that low-grade way she rarely examined — did she notice she hadn’t wanted to say yes at all. But the look on their face as they asked had made saying no feel like something close to cruelty. This was an ordinary Tuesday. It happened every week, in different forms. She wouldn’t have called herself a people p

She noticed it again at the dinner table — her sister mid-story, same argument, different week. Before anyone had finished their wine, she was already inside it. Smoothing, sorting, working out what to say to whom. Later, driving home, the exhaustion settled in. And underneath it, a question she didn’t quite finish: When does someone do this for me? She had been the capable one for as long as she could remember. It didn’t feel like a choice — more like something that happened

Because I work with an attachment focus, many of the people I work with have a fear of abandonment that shows up at points, even when, on the surface, things are actually going really well. They might be in a stable relationship with a good partner, and nothing is wrong. But there can still be a sense of threat or unease. This creates a pull to check things, think things through, and look for signs that something has shifted. Signs of Fear of Abandonment This fear can manifes

Many of the people I work with notice they are caught in a pattern of looking after others. At first, it can look like a strength. They are aware, thoughtful, and responsive. But over time, it starts to feel automatic. Something that happens before they have had a chance to think about it. They step in quickly, take responsibility to avoid others feeling pain or pressure. Alongside that, there is often a sense of frustration. Thoughts like why am I the one doing this? or why

What is Compulsive Caregiving? Compulsive caregiving is a pattern where you may feel responsible for the wellbeing of others. This often begins early in life when emotional support is inconsistent. Helping others can become a way to maintain connection. Where It Begins Imagine a child in a home where adults are preoccupied. One parent might struggle with health, or perhaps alcohol is present. Everyone may simply feel tired and distracted. In this environment, the child senses

Why some people lose access to their feelings as adults Some children learn early that emotional expression does not change what happens around them. They feel things internally, but those feelings receive little response. Over time, the nervous system reduces emotional visibility. The child becomes quieter inside. They remain present, but less emotionally exposed. This creates stability. How this appears in adulthood These adults often appear calm and self-contained. They ma

Why some adults feel deeply unsettled when they are not in control Some children grow up in environments where outcomes feel unpredictable. Things change without warning. Emotional reactions arrive suddenly. The child cannot rely on consistency. The nervous system adapts by increasing order. The child becomes careful. Organised. Precise. They begin to create stability through their own actions. Control becomes a way of creating safety. How this appears in adulthood These adul