An attachment-based, object relations and schema-informed formulation of chronic vigilance and the search for safety. Have you ever noticed that your mind rarely seems to rest? Perhaps you find yourself constantly analysing conversations after they've happened. You notice tiny changes in someone's facial expression. You replay emails before sending them. You wonder whether someone is annoyed with you because they used fewer words than usual. You struggle to fully relax, even

One of the questions I've become increasingly interested in is this: How much of what we call ADHD reflects a neurodevelopmental difference, and how much reflects the emotional adaptations people develop in response to their life experiences? This isn't an attempt to dismiss ADHD. Nor is it an attempt to explain everything through trauma. Instead, it's an exploration of where the two may overlap—and why so many adults find themselves recognising aspects of both. As both a the

A trauma-informed, attachment-based formulation of relational hypervigilance and abandonment anxiety Relational hypervigilance is a pattern in which someone continually monitors other people for signs of withdrawal, rejection, disapproval or abandonment. A delayed message, a quieter tone, a distracted expression or a change in routine can trigger intense uncertainty. The person may appear unusually perceptive. They may notice subtle changes that others miss. But this attentio

A trauma-informed, attachment-based formulation of compulsive performance, perfectionism and conditional self-worth Compulsive performance is a pattern in which someone relies on achievement, competence or productivity to maintain their sense of worth, safety or belonging. The person may be capable, driven and highly successful. But underneath the performance sits a more fragile psychological arrangement: “I am acceptable while I am doing well.” Achievement does not simply br

A trauma-informed, attachment-based formulation of pleasing, appeasement and self-erasure Compulsive pleasing is a pattern in which someone feels responsible for maintaining other people’s comfort, approval or emotional stability, often at the expense of their own preferences, boundaries and emotional truth. It can develop when connection in childhood depended on being agreeable, undemanding, emotionally manageable or especially attentive to the needs of others. Conceptual Su

Why do I pull away from people? Pulling away from people often isn’t about not caring. It’s a pattern where connection is wanted, but at a certain point begins to feel difficult to stay in. The pull toward disappearing She cancelled forty minutes before she was due to leave. She’d been looking forward to it earlier in the week. But somewhere around six o’clock, the thought of getting there, being present, being responsive for two hours, began to feel heavier than expected. Sh

What is emotional numbness? Emotional numbness is a reduced ability to feel — not just difficult emotions, but positive ones too. People often describe it as being present in their life, but slightly removed from it. Things happen, and they respond, but the feeling doesn’t fully land. When feeling nothing feels safer The promotion came through and he felt nothing. He read the email again. Forwarded it to his wife. Said the right things when she rang — yes, brilliant, yes, the

What is the vigilance pattern? The vigilance pattern is a way your system stays alert to what might go wrong — even when things are fine. It often gets mistaken for anxiety, but for many people it feels more like awareness, perception, or being switched on. Always watching for what might go wrong She could read a room before she’d crossed the threshold. She’d always been this way — noticing the quality of silence, the way someone held their shoulders, whether something had sh

Why Do I People Please and Struggle to Say No? She said yes before she’d decided whether she wanted to. The smile came quickly, and only later — driving away, irritated in that low-grade way she rarely examined — did she notice she hadn’t wanted to say yes at all. But the look on their face as they asked had made saying no feel like something close to cruelty. This was an ordinary Tuesday. It happened every week, in different forms. She wouldn’t have called herself a people p

She noticed it again at the dinner table — her sister mid-story, same argument, different week. Before anyone had finished their wine, she was already inside it. Smoothing, sorting, working out what to say to whom. Later, driving home, the exhaustion settled in. And underneath it, a question she didn’t quite finish: When does someone do this for me? She had been the capable one for as long as she could remember. It didn’t feel like a choice — more like something that happened

Because I work with an attachment focus, many of the people I work with have a fear of abandonment that shows up at points, even when, on the surface, things are actually going really well. They might be in a stable relationship with a good partner, and nothing is wrong. But there can still be a sense of threat or unease. This creates a pull to check things, think things through, and look for signs that something has shifted. Signs of Fear of Abandonment This fear can manifes

Many of the people I work with notice they are caught in a pattern of looking after others. At first, it can look like a strength. They are aware, thoughtful, and responsive. But over time, it starts to feel automatic. Something that happens before they have had a chance to think about it. They step in quickly, take responsibility to avoid others feeling pain or pressure. Alongside that, there is often a sense of frustration. Thoughts like why am I the one doing this? or why

What is Compulsive Caregiving? Compulsive caregiving is a pattern where you may feel responsible for the wellbeing of others. This often begins early in life when emotional support is inconsistent. Helping others can become a way to maintain connection. Where It Begins Imagine a child in a home where adults are preoccupied. One parent might struggle with health, or perhaps alcohol is present. Everyone may simply feel tired and distracted. In this environment, the child senses

Why some people lose access to their feelings as adults Some children learn early that emotional expression does not change what happens around them. They feel things internally, but those feelings receive little response. Over time, the nervous system reduces emotional visibility. The child becomes quieter inside. They remain present, but less emotionally exposed. This creates stability. How this appears in adulthood These adults often appear calm and self-contained. They ma

Why some adults feel deeply unsettled when they are not in control Some children grow up in environments where outcomes feel unpredictable. Things change without warning. Emotional reactions arrive suddenly. The child cannot rely on consistency. The nervous system adapts by increasing order. The child becomes careful. Organised. Precise. They begin to create stability through their own actions. Control becomes a way of creating safety. How this appears in adulthood These adul

Why is it easier to look after everyone else than to look after myself? Why do I feel tense when I’m not being useful? If you’ve ever tried to sit down and relax and felt a wave of guilt, anxiety, or pressure to “do something”, You probably learned very early on that your job was to be useful or sort things out for others. Some children grow up being cared for. Others grow up becoming the carer. They notice the mood in the room. They keep the peace. They manage their parent’s

The Complexity of Closeness You feel love for your partner. You’ve chosen them. You can see what’s good in the relationship. Yet, somewhere inside, there is a strong internal reaction when the relationship moves forward at certain junctions. It might feel like restlessness, pressure, or a flicker of wanting space that feels confusing, even disloyal. You might find yourself thinking: Why do I feel this when nothing is wrong? Why does closeness sometimes feel like a weight? Why

Most people have a clear idea of what grief is meant to look like. It’s expected to arrive after an obvious loss. A death. An ending. Something visible. And sometimes, that is exactly how grief unfolds. But there is another kind of grief — quieter, less obvious — that runs unseen through a large proportion of the difficulties that bring people into therapy. It doesn’t announce itself as grief. It shows up indirectly. When something feels unfinished People often arrive in ther

Five Common Relationship Patterns Rooted in Early Adaptation People come to therapy for various reasons — burnout, anxiety, relationship difficulties, emotional flatness, or a vague sense that something isn’t right. However, the same early patterns often lie beneath these issues. Below are some common ways these patterns manifest in adult life. They aren’t labels or diagnoses; rather, they are recognisable adaptations — ways a system once learned to stay safe, connected, or v