Why do I pull away from people? Pulling away from people often isn’t about not caring. It’s a pattern where connection is wanted, but at a certain point begins to feel difficult to stay in. The pull toward disappearing She cancelled forty minutes before she was due to leave. She’d been looking forward to it earlier in the week. But somewhere around six o’clock, the thought of getting there, being present, being responsive for two hours, began to feel heavier than expected. Sh

What is emotional numbness? Emotional numbness is a reduced ability to feel — not just difficult emotions, but positive ones too. People often describe it as being present in their life, but slightly removed from it. Things happen, and they respond, but the feeling doesn’t fully land. When feeling nothing feels safer The promotion came through and he felt nothing. He read the email again. Forwarded it to his wife. Said the right things when she rang — yes, brilliant, yes, the

What is the vigilance pattern? The vigilance pattern is a way your system stays alert to what might go wrong — even when things are fine. It often gets mistaken for anxiety, but for many people it feels more like awareness, perception, or being switched on. Always watching for what might go wrong She could read a room before she’d crossed the threshold. She’d always been this way — noticing the quality of silence, the way someone held their shoulders, whether something had sh

He had already checked the train times four times. The meeting wasn’t until Thursday. It was Monday evening. He knew the timetable wouldn’t change. He put the phone face down, made tea, and picked it up again. He was good at his job — thorough, dependable. When plans changed at the last minute, he felt something he described as irritation, though it was closer to dread. He wouldn’t have said he had anxiety. He would have said he was organised. What Is the Control Pattern? The

Why Do I People Please and Struggle to Say No? She said yes before she’d decided whether she wanted to. The smile came quickly, and only later — driving away, irritated in that low-grade way she rarely examined — did she notice she hadn’t wanted to say yes at all. But the look on their face as they asked had made saying no feel like something close to cruelty. This was an ordinary Tuesday. It happened every week, in different forms. She wouldn’t have called herself a people p

She noticed it again at the dinner table — her sister mid-story, same argument, different week. Before anyone had finished their wine, she was already inside it. Smoothing, sorting, working out what to say to whom. Later, driving home, the exhaustion settled in. And underneath it, a question she didn’t quite finish: When does someone do this for me? She had been the capable one for as long as she could remember. It didn’t feel like a choice — more like something that happened

Many of the people I work with notice they are caught in a pattern of looking after others. At first, it can look like a strength. They are aware, thoughtful, and responsive. But over time, it starts to feel automatic. Something that happens before they have had a chance to think about it. They step in quickly, take responsibility to avoid others feeling pain or pressure. Alongside that, there is often a sense of frustration. Thoughts like why am I the one doing this? or why

What is Compulsive Caregiving? Compulsive caregiving is a pattern where you may feel responsible for the wellbeing of others. This often begins early in life when emotional support is inconsistent. Helping others can become a way to maintain connection. Where It Begins Imagine a child in a home where adults are preoccupied. One parent might struggle with health, or perhaps alcohol is present. Everyone may simply feel tired and distracted. In this environment, the child senses

Why some people lose access to their feelings as adults Some children learn early that emotional expression does not change what happens around them. They feel things internally, but those feelings receive little response. Over time, the nervous system reduces emotional visibility. The child becomes quieter inside. They remain present, but less emotionally exposed. This creates stability. How this appears in adulthood These adults often appear calm and self-contained. They ma

Why some adults feel deeply unsettled when they are not in control Some children grow up in environments where outcomes feel unpredictable. Things change without warning. Emotional reactions arrive suddenly. The child cannot rely on consistency. The nervous system adapts by increasing order. The child becomes careful. Organised. Precise. They begin to create stability through their own actions. Control becomes a way of creating safety. How this appears in adulthood These adul

Why is it easier to look after everyone else than to look after myself? Why do I feel tense when I’m not being useful? If you’ve ever tried to sit down and relax and felt a wave of guilt, anxiety, or pressure to “do something”, You probably learned very early on that your job was to be useful or sort things out for others. Some children grow up being cared for. Others grow up becoming the carer. They notice the mood in the room. They keep the peace. They manage their parent’s

Signs of Childhood Emotional Neglect in Adults Many adults make it well into their 30s, 40s, or even later before realising their anxiety, shame, or relationship struggles connect back to something subtle that happened in childhood — or more accurately, something that didn’t happen. Childhood Emotional Neglect (CEN) isn’t about dramatic events. It’s about the quiet absence of emotional responsiveness, understanding, or support. Nothing explosive. Nothing “obvious.” And that’s

Many adults come to therapy saying: “I don’t know what I feel.” “I’m just… fine.” “I disconnect without meaning to.” “I struggle to find the words.” This isn’t apathy or a lack of depth. It’s a form of emotional disconnection , often shaped by childhood experiences or chronic stress. Understanding Emotional Disconnection Emotional disconnection can be confusing. It often feels like a fog that prevents you from understanding your feelings. This disconnection is not a sign of w

Some people grow up learning that they can cope with almost anything. They find a way through, they manage, they hold things together. Other people see them as strong, capable, steady. And in many ways, they are. They get on with things. They don’t tend to ask for help. They’ve been doing that for a very long time. Often the people I work with reach a point — usually in mid-life — where this way of coping begins to feel heavier. The body and the emotional life start to ask fo

Many people, when they were little, were in some way left a bit to the side in their family of origin.They were given what they needed in practical ways — meals, schooling, clothing — but something in the emotional life of the family didn’t quite include them. A sense of being there, but not quite met .A little invisible , somehow. Often these are people with kind temperaments , who are naturally able to understand others and respond to them.And as part of their survival sy

Coping is part of being human. As children, we learn ways of getting through difficult circumstances, often without realising we’re doing...

Who Am I, Really? The self is not a fixed thing—it’s shaped through relationships. Psychodynamic theory asks, Do we ever truly know ourselves? We build our sense of self alongside others. If early relationships were unstable or lacking, our identity can feel fragmented, pulling us in different directions. We might ask, Which of these selves is really me? As Lola Young puts it in Messy: "A thousand people I could be for you and you hate the fucking lot". Good enough parenting—

Have you ever had a sense that something is a bit off — not dramatically wrong, just something that doesn’t settle? Maybe a low-level emptiness, a tendency to overthink, or a difficulty really connecting with people, even when you want to. For people who experienced neglect as children, the past doesn’t show up clearly. It sits in the background — not as a memory, but as a general sense that something isn’t right. Neglect isn’t always about what happened. Often, it’s about wh

Childhood neglect leaves a mark. It’s not always visible, and it doesn’t scream for attention the way other wounds might. Instead, it whispers through the cracks in adulthood, shaping how we see ourselves, how we relate to others, and how we navigate the world. For those who experienced neglect as children, life becomes a delicate dance between surviving and living—between the old patterns that once kept them safe and the present moment that asks for something new. Neglect te