Fear of Abandonment: Why It Happens and How Therapy Can Help

Many people struggle with a deep fear of abandonment — the worry that a partner or loved one might leave, withdraw, or forget them. Often, it shows up as anxiety, jealousy, or suspicion, even when the relationship itself seems stable. If you recognise yourself in this, you’re not alone.

As a therapist, I often meet people who describe anxiety but don’t yet realise that abandonment fears are underneath. They might say they feel anxious when their partner goes out for the evening, or they catch themselves worrying that their partner doesn’t really want to be with them. Rationally, they may know the relationship is safe. But emotionally, it feels overwhelming — as though they are about to be left.

Where the Fear Comes From

Abandonment fears usually have their roots in early experiences. Sometimes it’s obvious: a parent leaving or dying, or repeated big disruptions in childhood. More often, it’s subtle. A child grows up in a home where their feelings are not responded to, or where care is inconsistent. The message they receive is: your emotions are yours to manage alone; no one else will hold them for you.

Over time, that child learns to put feelings aside. They may even tell themselves those feelings don’t matter. But deep down, the body knows something is missing. There can be a hollow, empty sensation — a quiet echo of not having been emotionally cared for.

In schema therapy we sometimes call this emotional deprivation. In everyday words, it’s simply the experience of not feeling that your needs, feelings, or very self really mattered to those around you.

How It Shows Up in Relationships

Abandonment fears don’t disappear with age. They tend to funnel back into adult relationships. A partner going out with friends can stir panic: “Maybe they don’t want to be with me anymore.” A delayed text reply can trigger jealousy or suspicion.

People cope with these fears in different ways:

• Clinging tightly to their partner.

• Testing or arguing for reassurance.

• Checking too much.

• Feeling shame about being “too much” or “too sensitive.”

Sadly, the very attempts to protect the relationship can feel overwhelming to the other person, feeding back into the fear of being left.

Why This Makes Sense

If you’ve ever felt ashamed of being “too needy” or “too sensitive,” it’s important to know: these patterns make sense. They come from parts of you whose needs were not met. The goal isn’t to erase those needs — it’s to find healthier ways of meeting them now, with more stability and care.

How Therapy Helps

In therapy, we work to:

• Stay centred when abandonment fears are triggered, so you can keep a reflective stance even when feelings are strong.

• Recognise echoes from the past, reminding yourself that the present moment may actually be safe.

• Revisit and reshape old memories so they lose their overwhelming charge.

• Build secure relationships, starting with the therapeutic one, so your nervous system learns that stability and care are possible.

Sometimes we use practical tools, like a “note to self” to read when panic strikes. Other times we go deeper, helping the child part of you finally receive what was missing.

Moving Forward

Fear of abandonment can be painful, confusing, and sometimes hidden beneath the word “anxiety.” But it is also workable. Many people find that with the right support, the fear softens and their relationships feel more secure.

If you recognise yourself in these words, you don’t have to keep struggling alone. Therapy can help you make sense of the past, calm the present, and move towards a more stable future.

👉 If you’d like support with abandonment fears, anxiety, or relationship difficulties, please contact me