When Your Self Feels Fragmented.

Who Am I, Really?

The self is not a fixed thing—it’s shaped through relationships. Psychodynamic theory asks, Do we ever truly know ourselves?

We build our sense of self alongside others. If early relationships were unstable or lacking, our identity can feel fragmented, pulling us in different directions. We might ask, Which of these selves is really me? As Lola Young puts it in Messy: "A thousand people I could be for you and you hate the fucking lot".

Good enough parenting—or therapy—helps integrate these parts. The goal is radical self-acceptance, much like a caring parent reflecting back unconditional love. From here, change isn’t so scary. If we accept ourselves fully, we can adjust behaviors without shame or fear.

Think of the self as a gyrosphere. At its core is a steady, constant presence—the part of you that has always been there, looking back in the mirror. But external forces—life, trauma, stress—can tilt us off balance. When we lose connection with our centre, we slip into survival mode, old defense mechanisms kicking in. Therapy helps shorten these disconnections, bringing us back to awareness, curiosity, and connection.

For those with complex histories, questions like What was your relationship with your parents like? can feel impossible to answer. Different parts hold conflicting experiences. Some feel disconnected, stuck in a cycle of reaching out for love and being met with rejection.

The instinct to connect is not wrong. It’s survival. It’s what makes us human. Therapy doesn’t erase the past, but it can help us reconnect—to ourselves,others and our humanity.