When Coping Becomes a Trap: How to Recognise and Change Old Patterns

Coping is part of being human. As children, we learn ways of getting through difficult circumstances, often without realising we’re doing it. These coping strategies help us survive painful or frightening moments. But as adults, the very same strategies can sometimes keep us stuck.

In therapy, I often meet people who say, “I’m just like this — it’s my personality.” But when we look more closely, what they call personality is often a set of coping patterns. At one time, those patterns were essential. Now, they may be holding the person back from living more fully.

Why Children Cope the Way They Do

Children are astonishingly vulnerable. Even when they seem bright, quick, and capable, they are built to depend on the adults around them. They believe in their parents entirely — their parents are the planets they orbit.

When the signals coming back from those “planets” are warm and responsive, the child feels safe, stable, and valued. But when the signals are inconsistent, unfriendly, or absent, it is terrifying. The child begins to absorb painful messages:

• I’m not safe.

• My feelings don’t matter.

• I can’t rely on stability.

To survive this, children adapt. They find ways of coping, such as:

• Becoming the entertainer, always funny or cheerful.

• Tuning into others’ feelings at the cost of their own.

• Excelling at school, sport, or work to prove their worth.

• Performing perfectly to win approval.

• Turning to food or sugar for comfort.

These strategies keep children afloat in unsafe environments. But the same coping styles often follow them into adulthood.

Coping in Adulthood

As adults, coping strategies can be both strengths and struggles. Being hardworking, attentive, or funny might help someone build relationships or succeed at work. But underneath, these behaviours may still be driven by fear: If I don’t do this, I won’t be valued or loved.

That’s when coping becomes a trap.

• People-pleasing can lead to exhaustion and resentment.

• Perfectionism can become paralysing.

• Avoidance can cut us off from intimacy.

• Food, alcohol, or overwork can numb feelings we need to face.

The child part of us is still driving the strategy, even though the danger has passed.

From Coping to Healing

Therapy offers a safe space to notice these patterns and question them. Schema therapy, for example, helps us link current struggles back to childhood origins. We can:

• Understand the logic behind our coping styles.

• Honour them for helping us survive.

• Begin to let go of them when they no longer serve us.

• Experiment with new ways of relating that feel safer and freer.

It’s not about throwing away coping — it’s about expanding our choices. When we are less trapped by old patterns, we are more able to live, feel, and connect in the present.

Closing Thought

Coping kept us safe. Healing helps us live. If you notice yourself stuck in old coping strategies — always pleasing, always performing, always numbing — it doesn’t mean you’re broken. It means a younger part of you worked very hard to protect you.

The next step is learning how to care for that part of yourself differently, so you don’t have to rely on the same strategies forever.

👉 If you’d like support with coping patterns, anxiety, or relationship difficulties, I offer schema therapy online and in Glasgow. Contact me here.