Do You Ever Wonder How Parts of Your Personality Were Shaped?

Not in a vague or philosophical way —but in a “why do I keep doing that?” way.

Why you react so strongly in certain moments and not others. Why you step in, rescue, withdraw, comply, overthink, harden, please, or disappear — often without choosing to.

Why you can feel warm and generous in one situation, then oddly detached or self-focused in another.

And why other people seem wired so differently.

Some people bend. Some people push. Some people feel everything. Some people feel very little. Some people give endlessly. Others seem unapologetically entitled.

If you’re someone who notices these differences — in yourself and in others — and quietly wonders what is actually going on here? Schema therapy offers one of the clearest ways of making sense of it.

Not by labelling your whole personality —but by separating patterns from who you actually are.

Your Personality Isn’t One Thing — It’s a Set of Patterns

Schema therapy starts from a simple but powerful idea:

Your personality isn’t a single, fixed thing. It’s made up of patterns that developed over time.

These patterns include:

• Deeply held beliefs about yourself and others

• Emotional reactions that switch on quickly

• Automatic ways of coping when things feel difficult

They’re not flaws.They’re adaptations.

And importantly — you can hold several patterns at once, even contradictory ones.

You can be:

• Caring and avoidant

• Self-sacrificing and resentful

• Confident at work and small in relationships

• Responsible and impulsive

These truths make you human — and patterned.

What These Patterns Feel Like From the Inside

People don’t usually come to therapy saying, “I think I have schemas.”

They come saying things like:

• “I don’t know why I said yes — I didn’t even want to.”

• “I feel guilty whenever I put myself first.”

• “I help automatically, then feel irritated afterwards.”

• “I don’t trust my instincts — they seem to contradict each other.”

• “Other people’s needs hit me harder than my own.”

• “I swing between caring too much and switching off completely.”

Often there’s confusion, shame, and a sense of not quite knowing who you really are.

Schema therapy doesn’t say, “This is your personality.”

It says:“This is a pattern that learned to show up for a reason.”

Vignette 1: “Why Did I Do That?”

Someone once described a moment where they volunteered to take on something difficult for another person — without thinking, almost reflexively.

At the time, it felt obvious and necessary.

Later, they were left unsettled.

They didn’t see themselves as especially altruistic. In fact, they prided themselves on being fairly balanced and boundaried. So why had they stepped in so quickly?

Through schema therapy, they realised this wasn’t “who they are” in general.

It was a self-sacrificing pattern that activates when someone else appears vulnerable, exposed, or overwhelmed.

Not because they are endlessly giving —but because, at some point, stepping in became a way of managing distress.

And Then There’s the Other Side

Other people notice something different in themselves.

They give constantly. They anticipate needs. They feel responsible for how everyone else feels.

Over time, exhaustion and resentment creep in.

Schema therapy helps people see something important here:

You actually need a basic sense of entitlement to live well.

Not arrogance. Not selfishness.

But a quiet internal belief of:

“I’m allowed to exist, choose, and protect myself.”

Without that, self-sacrifice becomes a trap. Too much entitlement, without connection, becomes damaging.

Most people are trying to find a workable balance — without realising they’re caught between patterns.

How These Patterns Are Shaped (Often Quietly)

Schemas don’t form because something is “wrong” with you.

They form because a younger version of you learned:

• What was safe

• What caused trouble

• What helped you belong

• What kept you emotionally or physically protected

Sometimes this comes from obvious trauma. Sometimes it comes from emotional atmosphere.

For example:

• Growing up in a home where feelings weren’t talked about

• Learning early that anger led to withdrawal or rejection

• Not seeing healthy repair after conflict

• Being rewarded for coping, not for needing

Children adapt intelligently. But adaptations don’t always age well.

Schema therapy allows space to explore:

• What once helped

• What hurts now

• What needs softening

• And what actually deserves respect

Why Schema Therapy Feels So Relieving

Schema therapy does something quietly radical.

It separates you from your patterns.

You’re not:

• “Too much”

• “Selfish”

• “Cold”

• “Overly emotional”

• “Broken”

You’re someone with:

• Learned interpretations

• Emotional reflexes

• Coping styles that once made sense

And once you can see them, you gain choice.

Not by forcing change —but by understanding what these patterns are trying to do.

That’s where flexibility begins.

Is Schema Therapy Right for You?

Schema therapy often resonates with people who:

• Have tried counselling or CBT and gained insight — but still feel stuck

• Are reflective and curious about themselves

• Notice repeating relationship patterns

• Feel conflicted or contradictory inside

• Want understanding, not just symptom control

It doesn’t flatten you into a diagnosis. It doesn’t pretend you’re one thing.

It says:

You are many things — and they all have a story.

And that story is worth understanding.