I Love Them – So Why Do I Want to Escape?

You feel love for your partner. You’ve chosen them. You can see what’s good in the relationship.

And yet, somewhere inside, there is a strong internal reaction when the relationship moves forward at certain junctions. It might feel like restlessness. Or pressure. Or a flicker of wanting space that feels confusing, even disloyal.

You might find yourself thinking:

Why do I feel this when nothing is wrong?Why does closeness sometimes feel like a weight?Why does part of me want to step back when I’m trying to step forward?

From the outside, it can look like ambivalence.On the inside, it feels like a tug-of-war.

One part of you wants connection.Another part wants air.

This pattern often belongs to people who learned early to stay emotionally self-sufficient.

You grew up in a world where closeness felt complicated. Perhaps caring adults felt overwhelming, absent, fragile, or unpredictable. You learned to rely on yourself. You learned how to stay contained. You learned how to be okay on your own.

Your nervous system became skilled at independence.

That skill brought refuge. It brought agency. It helped you grow into someone thoughtful, capable, and inwardly strong.

And then, in adult relationships, something unexpected can happen.

Closeness awakens memory.

Not in words.In sensation.

A body that once learned “I stay safe by staying separate” can experience intimacy as pressure. As narrowing. As the beginning of something that feels hard to step away from.

So even when love is real, a part of you scans for exits.

You might recognise this as:

• Being drawn to people who are slightly unavailable

• Becoming restless when things feel settled

• Pulling back just as connection deepens

• Fantasising about space when nothing is wrong

• Feeling “half-in” even when you care deeply

This isn’t sabotage.

It’s intelligence shaped in an earlier world.

Your system learned:Freedom keeps me safe.

Now you live in a different world, with different choices, and that old learning still whispers.

Therapy becomes a place to understand how your nervous system learned to approach closeness with constraint – and how it can begin to experience intimacy as something spacious and alive.

Not by forcing yourself to stay.Not by pushing feelings away.Through safety.Through reflection.Through relationship.

You don’t need to choose between love and freedom.

You can learn how to live with both.