Many people go through life unaware that their childhood experiences of emotional neglect or abuse are still affecting them. Often, it isn’t until adulthood, when symptoms start to surface, that they begin to realise something is amiss. Emotional neglect can be subtle and invisible, making it easy to overlook. Unlike physical neglect or abuse, which may leave visible signs like bruises or clear evidence of deprivation, emotional neglect leaves behind scars that are harder to identify.
Even well-meaning, loving parents can unintentionally be emotionally neglectful. In fact, many emotionally neglectful parents genuinely want the best for their children. However, these parents may lack emotional awareness themselves, making it difficult for them to tune into their child’s feelings and needs. This disconnection can prime children to overlook their own emotions, and, as adults, they might find themselves struggling to connect with or understand their own children on a deeper level.
For children to thrive, love alone is not enough. Parents also need to be attuned to their child’s emotional world. Emotional attunement requires a parent to first understand their own feelings, so they can effectively connect with and support their child.
The Importance of Emotional Awareness
When a parent isn’t emotionally attuned, they miss the opportunity to reflect warmth and positivity back to their child. This lack of affirmation can leave the child struggling with self-doubt, low self-esteem, and an overly sensitive nature. Emotional neglect is often found in households with unreasonably high expectations, limited emotional communication, or invalidation of feelings to the point where the child begins to question their own reality.
Signs of Emotional Neglect in Adulthood
According to Dr. Jonice Webb, a specialist in this area, adults who experienced childhood emotional neglect may notice the following signs:
Feeling disconnected from emotions or “numbed out”
A vague sense that something important is missing in life
Feeling hollow or empty inside
Struggling with low self-esteem or perfectionism
Sensitivity to rejection or criticism
Difficulty understanding or meeting personal needs
Uncertainty about others’ expectations or their own
If you recognise yourself in more than one of these symptoms, seeking support could be a helpful step.
Parenting Styles Linked to Emotional Neglect
Emotional neglect often stems from patterns that parents themselves learned during their upbringing. While most parents aim to do their best, certain styles may inadvertently contribute to emotional neglect:
Authoritarian parents focus heavily on rules and discipline, often at the expense of listening to their child’s feelings. As adults, these children may rebel against authority or become overly submissive.
Permissive parents take a hands-off approach, leaving children to navigate their emotions alone. This can lead to struggles with setting boundaries in adulthood.
Narcissistic parents center their world on their own needs, leaving children feeling undeserving of having their own needs met.
Perfectionistic parents push their children to achieve more, often fostering anxiety and a sense of never being good enough.
Absent parents, whether due to work, illness, or other circumstances, leave children to become overly responsible, often at the cost of their own emotional needs.
Healing from Emotional Neglect
If you suspect you were emotionally neglected as a child, know that recovery is possible. Here are some steps to begin healing:
Reconnect with Your Emotions: Pay attention to the sensations in your body and the feelings they signal. A racing heart or a sudden flush of warmth might be an opportunity to pause and explore your emotions, rather than dismissing them.
Expand Your Emotional Vocabulary: Start naming your feelings more precisely. For example, instead of saying you’re “angry,” explore whether you’re feeling betrayed, frustrated, or hurt. Using specific words can deepen self-understanding and improve communication with others.
Identify Your Needs: Many adults who experienced neglect struggle to recognise their needs or believe they don't deserve to have them met. As you expand your emotional awareness, start noticing what helps you feel better and more fulfilled.
Challenge Limiting Beliefs: Beliefs like “I don’t deserve care” are just beliefs, not facts. Begin questioning the narratives you’ve carried since childhood and replace them with ones that affirm your inherent worth.
Practice Self-Compassion
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